Defining friendship

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything”

Muhammad Ali

Making friends has always been hard for me.  When I was in school, and by school I mean the entirety of my life before graduating from college, my personal life was all about “fitting in,” “being social,” and “being normal.” I think everyone goes through this phase to some degree, but each person to a different extent.  One of the reasons for this is because everyone is at different points along society's "normal" spectrum and as a result, certain people can more easily fall into the idealistic norm. 

For me, I always felt I was on the fringe of that spectrum.  I didn't feel like I "fit in," or at least not like people I knew. I always felt like I was on the second or third circle of friends, but rarely in the first.  Now, it wasn't like I had no friends, I did.  I even had close friends and best friends, but I didn't feel like I had a circle.  This "non-circle" feeling was a constant growing up but it didn't become a problem until middle school.  Why middle school? I don't know, but I distinctly remember middle school being a huge pivot on how I felt about myself and being on the outside of the circle.

At the time, I wasn't happy with it, but I didn't know what to do to change the circumstance.  I felt like people had already chosen their circles or "picked their places" so to speak, so what on earth could I do to change that?  I envied people who changed schools because it felt like that had a built-in entry point to disrupt existing circles and find a place.  In fact, my junior year of high school, I even changed schools partially due to me wanting to force that kind of opportunity.

Well, as you might have expected, that didn't work. But something pretty incredible happened coming out of that change.  You see, prior to that moment, my friends were based on proximity.  Meaning, my childhood friends were completely dependent on the fact that they lived in my neighborhood, were in my classes or shared my extracurricular activities.  But after that moment, it all changed because proximity was taken out of the situation.  What I was left with was a crystal ball that showed me exactly who was willing to go out of their way to be in my life and just as important, who I was willing to go out of my way to be part of theirs.

Those two final years in high school were pretty rough as my plan pretty much backfired when I never really made any great friends at the new school (I told you I was bad at making friends).  But, that change helped me realize two important things about myself:

1. I do better outside of circles.  Maybe that is why I never felt like I was in the inner circle, but it took a long time for me to understand that it was perfectly fine that that was the case.

2. My true friends have the ability to transcend proximity and have the ability to be there for me even when they aren't actually here.  Realizing this was important for me because it became a large part of how I define my best friendships.

I know what you are thinking, "don't you usually have a point to these stories?" Well here it is: until very recently, I credited my high school move with understanding those things about me, but that isn't true.  If you really pushed me, I could have accurately told you the friends that would stay in my life and I could have told you that circles just weren't my thing.  

You don't need to make a move, you just need to do some soul searching.  People define friendships differently and my definition most likely won't be the same as yours.  People have different needs and friendships play different roles in their lives.  So before you make an unnecessary move, my advice to you is to take the time to understand yourself and what you need out of those roles.  There will be aspects of that definition that will change throughout the years and there will also be constants, but know that it is okay if your definition of friendship doesn't line up with everyone else's.

Redefine winning

"In order to have an alive, joyous life, you have to give up being "right." You must simply be willing to let go of the need to have the point of view that you are right dominate all aspects of your life. This is especially challenging when you are, in fact, correct. But if you have to prove another is wrong, even if you win, you lose. Something inside you is less alive"

A while back, I wrote about the importance of understanding you can be wrong. I want to further expand on that idea to show that, contrary to what we are taught, being "right" doesn't always correlate with "winning."

This is pretty counter-intuitive as early on in our lives we watch people debate, we learn to debate, and we are instilled with the idea that within debates, there are winners and losers.  Winning is defined as being right and proving your point; losing is defined as conceding.

I will admit, a lot of times, this is probably going to hold true -- but the reason it holds true is because what you would concede would go against your beliefs, values, or ideas. The difference is when being "wrong" doesn't do any of those things, it simply hurts our ego because we don't get to be right.  And the problem with this? Sometimes the only way to prove yourself right is to prove someone else wrong, and when it comes to proving someone else wrong, that has the potential of being hurtful.

Across the board, I would urge you to consider what winning is prior to entering a conversation, debate, or argument.  Put "being right" aside for a second, determine what you want to be the result, and figure out the best way to accomplish that result.  Sometimes the best result is to not bring down another person, and sometimes that requires you saying you are wrong (even if you are not).

Live in the now

"I take it not only a day at a time, but a moment at a time.  If you can be happy right now, then you’ll always be happy, because it’s always in the now."

Willie Nelson

I am hoping this is one of those lessons that you hear and you simply nod and say "of course, dad!" 

The idea is pretty simple -- be mindful and try to live in the now. Learn to appreciate what you currently have. Stop worrying about the past and future and focus on what is right in front of you.  

The two issues?

1. This sounds like it was ripped directly out of a hippy book that had rainbows and butterflies on the next page.

2. Being present is easier said than done.

To be honest, I don't know what I would find if I researched the positive effects of "being present."  I have no idea if it can be substantiated at all.  I can't tell you for sure that "being mindful" is going to make you happy.

I have done my fair share of reading self-help books that focus on happiness.  For all intensive purposes, I was studying it.  Heck, I even attempted to optimize my happiness. What I decided was that while there are many things in life that are not a choice, happiness is.  And more importantly, longstanding happiness (as opposed to instant-gratification), is based on my ability to be satisfied with who I am, where I am, and what I have in the current moment.  

Saying this is one thing, but it took a lot of reflection and a few struggles to actually believe this.  The tipping point for me was understanding what "everything" meant to me in the context of having and possibly losing "everything."

At first, "everything" signified the collective work, fortune and item I had done/owned. I tried to push this perspective to think "what if every material piece that I had acquired, bought or created were gone?"  To me, the idea of this was scary, but even scarier was what that meant for my future.  Because I, of course, was collection those items so that I would be prepared for the future!

I grew up thinking, and for good reason, that at some point you can't continue "yoloing" around. I grew up thinking that I needed to be responsible and plan for my future.

I think this is a tricky message, because of course I needed to plan for my future. But, that need to plan for my "happy future" left me in a state of waiting for the "happy" that I was planning.  I found that there was always something that I wanted to do better, another item I wanted to buy that would make me happy in my future.  And that thought process turned into a "grass is always greener on the other side" mentality. And that is a damaging mentality.  Why? Because it made my present not good enough. The line of thinking assumed that if this action or item would make me happy in the future, then I must not be happy in the moment.

And that's when I started reflecting and decided there was no reason I can't be happy with exactly what I have.  I didn't have to change anything besides my mindset.  I had to choose to be happy.

Now let me be clear, it is healthy to have goals and aspirations. It is natural to have regrets and remorse for things past. My point isn't to give those up.  Hell, I would be impressed if you even could.  My point is to say that this "being present" thing is achievable for anyone, but it is also extremely difficult for everyone.

There is a reason why "being present" feels like something only the Dalai Lama can achieve.  Many people say they want to "be present" but why do so many people struggle to do it? Choosing to be happy is the easy part, what is hard is to be content in the moment, especially when your current moment is the least demanding of your attention.

For every subtle "be present" reminder that life sends your way, it sends a knock-you-on-your-butt, in-your-face, seemingly impossible to resist gravitational pull that drags you back to your thoughts and actions that focus on the past and future.  

My advise to you is to recognize what your subtle reminders are and take the time when they happen. For me, it is seeing a beautiful sunset. I know it's corny, but sunsets absolutely amaze me.  Very few other things put me in a sense of awe and because of this, sunsets have the ability to remind me to pause for a moment.  And I'll admit many times, even in the face of these reminders, I still can't pull away. It will be a struggle, but most of the best things in life are.

Find your sunset (or make your own!). Purposely take the time to be present because the only person that will ever make that time is you.  Choose happiness.