Racisms effect on mindset

"People know about the Klan and the overt racism, but the killing of one’s soul little by little, day after day, is a lot worse than someone coming in your house and lynching you."

Samuel L. Jackson

Previously, I wrote about the reality of racism.  The post, like the subject of racism itself, comes across as depressing, sad, and frustrating.  After all, a reality that exists where you will be treated differently due to something that is completely outside of your control is a difficult pill to swallow.  But one thing that I alluded to in my previous post is what I think is the worst part of racism, and that is that in all of the examples I mentioned, there is no actual evidence of racism.  It's not like someone attacked me, no one yelled racial slurs at me, nothing actually happened.

It is the part of racism that I personally struggle with the most.  Significant physical harm aside, I would much rather people be overtly racist against me.  Why? Because then I know where they stand and it provides me with information to understand how I should proceed in that specific situation.  Without that knowledge, I am left wondering if something happened because of racism or a hundred other reasons.  And maybe the other hundred possible reasons are legitimate. But if it is racism, it is never legitimate, and something needs to be said or done.  

The challenge is that without an racial slur being said, without an ignorant rant taking place, how am I supposed to know if I should react, take a stand or prepare myself? That curiosity, that wonder, is what has created my own internal struggle.

This isn't a perfect analogy, but imagine you were allergic to peanuts and living in a word that had no ingredient labels and no ability to check if someone cooked using peanuts.  

Imagine you discovered this allergy was a problem because you ate a single peanut.  Now, while that single peanut didn't cause you a significant amount of harm, you experienced enough to know it isn't something you want to mess with, especially not in large quantities.  Pushing further, you hear stories, real stories, of other people with peanut allergies.  These people ended up eating a whole bag of peanuts and experienced terrible consequences, sometimes even fatally. 

Knowing that you and peanuts aren't going to get along, you also know that peanuts exist and even worse, you know that there are lots of companies who use peanuts to make foods, but never disclose it.  

So one day you decide to sit down for lunch and immediately afterwards, you feel the exact discomfort you felt the first time you tried that single peanut.  The restaurant claimed to be peanut free, so you thought you were completely safe.  That is, until you felt that discomfort. You ask the server if there are any peanuts in the food and they say "no, of course not, we are a peanut free establishment." But you know what you are feeling.  You start to think about it more, and then more, and then you realize, well... maybe the chicken just wasn't cooked fully through or maybe it was my drink? Then you go back to that feeling. You know what you are feeling. But then you go back to the idea that it could have been anything... are you really going to call the server a liar without any actual evidence?  Maybe you want to let it go, after all you only experienced a little discomfort, and again it could be anything, so how can you do anything besides letting it go?  But you still felt something, so in the spirit of self-preservation, you just decide to stay away from that restaurant (and hope that no one else with a peanut allergy eats there after you).

So now you are avoiding the restaurant... what's next? Well, you starting thinking maybe it is the type of restaurant, not just that specific one.  You start avoiding certain foods that you think have a higher possibility of peanuts, you start changing your lifestyle to try to make sure that you don't have to experience the pain of your allergy.

Meanwhile, you watch everyone without a peanut allergy trying all sorts of things you would never even dream of trying.  So now you are stuck in a position where, for no reason other than something you were born with, you are afraid to taste certain foods, even if that fear is misattributed to uncooked chicken.  And even worse, every time you feel the possible effects of your allergy (because it is impossible to completely avoid), you can never be sure if it was because of your allergy or because of something else.

In this example, food is to peanuts what everything is to racism. Meaning, you're not just worried about one specific part of your life, racism can effect everything.  It can be a school application, a job opportunity, the ability to build a clock or even your presence in a store.  Hell, it could be your ability to be served food.

I will say upfront that I don't think most people are outright racist, but I do think that racial bias is a spectrum that most people sit on.  People might not even know they are leaning one way vs. another because of racial bias, but they very well might be.  And if they don't even know, how would you?

This. This is my curiosity.  This is my wonder. To me, it is the knowledge that something exists that could be negatively affecting me that persistently gnaws away.  It is a depressing, demoralizing reality. And when I let it, it had the ability to consume the way I thought.  That is my struggle.

And much like life, those struggling feelings ebb and flow, fading from when I feel "safe" from racism, and then immediately reemerging the second I might have experienced racism. 

This is the point of the story where I wish I had a solution for you.  This is the point of the story when I wish I could say that I can protect you from this. But the harsh reality is that it will likely be a struggle that you also feel.

My advice is knowing that while this struggle can consume your thoughts in the worst way possible, it doesn't have to.  My current approach is to assume the best of people, assuming that I am not a victim of racism until proven otherwise.  I tell myself I'm not a victim even when I know probably am.  To me, the second that I let the possibility and fear of racism dictate my life experience, they have won, and the hell I am going to let that happen.  In the most serious way possible, whenever I think about this subject, I always end up in a place where I am basically having a Braveheart moment. 

The last thing I will say is that the moment that questionable racism turns into overt racism, the game changes.  At that point, fight back in the most appropriate way possible. I'll help.

The danger of pride

"Pride is a tricky, glorious, double-edged feeling."

Adrienne Rich

Pride is generally seen with a positive connotation for most people.  I see it as a tool whose role can be just as negative as it can be positive.

The positive role it serves stems from the motivation it can bring to create/do things that you are proud of, and end satisfaction of accomplishing those very things.  This is very important and rarely will I fault anyone for finding ways to motivate themselves to do better, be better, or strive for better lives.  The positive role can be expanded on quite a bit, but for the purpose of this post, I want to focus on the danger that goes along with pride because I don't feel like it is talked about enough.

To me, pride it innately personal.  The things I am proud of I see as a reflection of myself; a reflection of the standards I carry as a person.  The people I am proud of are the people that live up to my standards.  Standards are a reflection of your own values, ethics, morals, philosophy and perspectives and ultimately set the bar for how you judge what is 'good enough.'  Because these are all reflections of what you think, they are naturally not necessarily a reflection of what other people think -- and this is where things get tricky.

The negative role that pride plays in society stems from the defensiveness that surfaces when your pride is hurt or questioned.  Most people have established their standards from experiences throughout their lives, and their standards can change as they experience new things.  Because of this, almost everyone's standards are different, and almost everyone thinks their standards are right -- at least in the moment they are questioned.  Either his standards are too narrow-minded or her's are too tolerant.  This type of thinking perpetuates people to lose one-selves humility, and pass into a sense of superiority.  "You think you're better than me?"

The honest truth is, when your livelihood is questioned, when your values are questioned, you are most likely going to react, and that reaction might or might not be rational.  But here is the thing: in the same way that you don't like your standards questioned, they aren't going to like theirs questioned when you react.

When your pride is hurt or questioned, take a second and think: is anything you are about to do (or not do) going to change what you think of yourself or what they think of themselves? Will your reaction help? Are you really "defending your honor" or are you sinking to their level?  I do think that sometimes it is worth it to fight for what you believe in because it can make a difference. I just urge you to ask yourself if it is a fight you can win -- and really think about what winning really is.

Pride can be an invaluable tool that motivates and amplifies satisfaction, but I have seen almost as many times, if not more, it forces irrational reactions.  Understand when to push forward and when to pull back -- use it as a tool rather than boundary.

Success requires failure

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."

Robert F. Kennedy

Throughout your life, you will be presented with millions of opportunities to do thousands of different things.  With each opportunity, you will weigh how you feel this opportunity will benefit you in both the short and long term, and also, how much it can hurt you.  What I have found very interesting in life is how these risks are conveyed in our society.

What you are going to find is there is a contradiction between what the world tells you to do, and what they expect you to do.  On one hand, you have someone telling you to take risks and change the world, and on the other hand you have the same people asking you to deliver perfection.

In using a sports example, let's look at quarterbacks in the NFL to see why this is such a contradiction.  These quarterbacks are tasked with winning every game they can, and if they don't they will likely lose their jobs.  What is worse than losing a game? Being the reason that they lost a game.  And what does this instill?  Make as few mistakes as possible. And what does this cause?  Quarterbacks needing to walk on eggshells, "manage games" and essentially never learn to become great.  Why? Because success requires failure and they are being asked to never fail.  Look back on the best quarterbacks that have ever played and tell me how many didn't fail before they succeeded.  In fact, tell me how many teams have won a championship before they had to go through the heartbreak of failure.  Look at the most successful people in the world, regardless of your definition of success and you will find the same correlation. Yes, there are going to be exceptions, but just look at the numbers and you might be surprised at what you see.

I have always been someone who has wanted to learn and better myself in everything that I do.  However, the times that I learn most, the times that I understand how to take good to outstanding, is in opportunities where I could fall flat on my face -- and in some of those cases I have.  But, every time I have picked myself up off the ground, I came out with ten times the experience that I would have had otherwise.

Stop focusing on what negative things might happen, and start concentrating on what positives that could be.  Whether you could fall short or you could succeed past your wildest dreams, I hope you realize that both of those outcomes are a positive, and the only negative would be never trying.

Having said all of this, it is important to understand the difference between seeking out failure and embracing failure when it happens.  My point is, aim to succeed, but don't be afraid to fail.  Create a mindset where picking yourself up after you fall is not a question of if you can do it, but when you can.

Lastly, try to become attune to other people's views on failure.  The reason I say this is because while you will continually hear advice from people telling you to do this, you are going to be placed into situations where someone is going to be falsely looking out for you. 

If you ever find yourself in a position that you feel like you can do a job or task but someone else is afraid that you won't succeed, ask them to do it anyway.  If they will not allow you to step up to bat, then please, really consider if you should be there.  While it might seem that they have your best interest at heart because they don't want to see you fail, really what they are doing is making certain that you will never succeed.  Run from these situations.  If you are scared of the risk, talk to me, I will support you in any way I can (financially or otherwise) to allow you to not be handcuffed to the risks.

Remember, the only way someone can ever determine your success or fate is if you allow them to.  Never give up the decision of your success.