Rewriting your life’s rules

"Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be."

Shonda Rhimes

This is a very special guest post from your mom:

My whole life I have tried to play by the rules of a game that somebody else has written for me. In doing so, I was told, you will achieve success. But the part I never understood was what if success isn't necessarily the same for everyone. What if it happens to look differently for me then it does for the person sitting next to me. We are all told to follow the same rules but yet are we all playing the same game? 

In spite of my reservations, this game was all I knew and so I relentlessly pursued this idea of being just like everybody else. Of defining myself by external factors that were set out for me.  I thought if I acted a certain way, dressed a certain way, and valued certain things, I would be just like everyone else and I would be happy.

Yet somehow I always felt myself falling short of reaching goals that were set out for me by others. And I struggled with confusion and frustration. It looked so easy for everyone else, why wasn't it so easy for me? 

As I grew older, an extraordinary thing happened, I learned how to play the game. Suddenly I was wearing the right clothes, I knew just the right thing to say, and I could honestly say I was "winning" at this game I had struggled my whole life to play. I was busy being exactly who I was supposed to be (and having a lot of fun doing it) yet I wasn't being me. 
And for the first time I realized it wasn't that I couldn't win at this game, it was just that I didn't want to. So I had a choice, I could continue to exhaust myself trying to fit into this definition of who other people thought I should be, or I could let it all go and not just write my own rules, but redefine the game. 

You will have so many people in your life who want to define you and who will feel uncomfortable with the fact that you don't neatly fit into one box or another and I know this will not be easy. But while I was taught that there is only one path to follow, your dad and I believe that there are multiple paths that you can choose. 

We believe that there are many different roads that can each lead to happiness, success and fulfillment but nobody can choose that path for you.

If I could only teach you one lesson, it would be don't let other people define who you are. Everybody has a different idea of what is right or wrong based on their own personality, culture, race, religion, economic status, and family background. Don't spend precious time and energy worrying about whether or not you are living up to somebody else's idea of what life is supposed to be. Figure out who you want to be and strive to become the best version of yourself. And no matter what you decide (and even if we don't always agree) your dad and I will support you, stand by you, and love you no matter what.

Do good

"To be doing good deeds is man's most glorious task."

Sophocles 

There are a couple lines in a show that I watched as a child, Boy Meets World, that always resonated with me:

Mr. Feeny: Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good.

Topanga: Don't you mean "do well?"

Mr. Feeny: No, I mean "do good."

For background, Mr. Feeny was a teacher, mentor, and role model for the children in the show (including Topanga). The show itself was the typical children's sit-com with each episode culminating with a lesson.  I loved this show and watched almost every episode.  I must have watched more than a hundred lessons through the show and this one was the one that stuck with me.  This is the one that I remembered.

Why? Because those three lines have the ability to succinctly emphasis that it is more important to "do good" than to "do well." And this distinction is one that I rarely see vocalized.

Imagine you are sitting in a room surrounded by a hundred screens.  All of the screens are on, all of them playing something different.  The volume on each device is at different levels and the screens are different sizes.  You try to hear what each has to say, but naturally you gravitate to the biggest screen with the loudest volume.

This post is me trying to turn off every screen besides one.  It just so happens to be one of the smallest and tuned to the lowest volume.  This post is about trying to talk about a distinction that doesn't get enough play time.

Throughout my life, I have always been pushed to "do well."  Whether it was school or work, the message is the same: "be successful." But when they said that, they really meant "get an A+!" and "get a great evaluation!"

To be clear, I am not trying to convince you to flunk out of school or get fired.  I'm not proclaiming that "doing well" is bad.  

What I am saying is that at some point people stop encouraging you to dream.  At some point, people stop encouraging you to try new things.  And at some point, people stop encouraging you to "do good." And when those points come, and when the largest and loudest "screens" are telling you to forget everything else and focus on acing that test, remember there is more to life than being valedictorian or getting promoted.

Side tangent: I absolutely hate talking about values.  While I think they are extremely important to have, I hate the notion that if I have a value that someone doesn't, that they are in some way a worse person.  That isn't true.  Values make up who a person is and what they believe in, but they do not make you or another person in any way superior than another.

With that said, I believe wholeheartedly that I have a responsibility to leave the earth a better place than I received it.  I don't have any scientific evidence or proof as to why I think this is so important, it is simply a value that is instilled in me.

I mention this because even if you don't share this value, I don't want you to dismiss this idea.  I would still encourage you to "do good." If you aren't doing it because of a value, do it for you.  It has the ability to provide a level of warmth and perspective that you will be hard pressed to find anywhere else.

For me, "doing good" opened a whole new room of proverbial screens.  It introduced me to perspectives that were incredibly alien to the bubble that had become my world.  Those perspectives humbled me, they helped me better understand how much more good this world needs, and most importantly showed me how relatively easy I could help.

The "results" of good deeds are the most powerful.  Whether it is a person's smile or a transformed habitat, each had the remarkable ability to directly connect to my heartstrings and metaphorically yank me out of just about any funk.  It is incredibly gratifying.

And while my contributions to date aren't nearly what they could or should be, I am infinitely more proud of the moments where I helped make society better than any "A+" or outstanding evaluation I ever received.

So while it might not always be playing on the largest screen in your life, please never forget to prioritize "doing good."

A racist reality

"In this country American means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate."

Toni Morrison

You are going to be challenged in different ways in life and unfortunately I will be responsible for passing down one of those challenges. I hope that as our society continues to grow, the challenges you might face because of this will lessen -- but from all that I have seen, it is something that at some point in your life will become a challenge.  I say this not to scare you, but to help you prepare, because the first time you are discriminated against for the color of your skin, it can take you by surprise.  

I wish I could say that I didn't think racism exists, but it does.  How racism manifests itself has changed even during my lifetime.  As I am writing this, it feels like racial tension is at one of the highest levels it has been since I can remember which was a result of needless killings of both minorities and police officers.

Now, I can't say that I have ever personally experienced racism in the way that I know many people have. But, have I been followed closely in stores to ensure that I am not shoplifting? Have people not wanted to sit near me because of my physical appearance? Have people told me that I look ghetto simply because I am wearing sweats or a backwards hat? Yes to all of the above.

Maybe these feel like small circumstances that don't mean anything, but let me tell you a couple stories that will hopefully put it into better context:

The first story has to do with balding.  Weird right? The back of my hair has been thinning for a while now, but the front recently became a bigger problem. Despite trying different products, it just didn't want to grow in normally and the result was making me look just a bit ridiculous. In my head I only had two good options:

1. Comb over. This made me sad.

2. Shave my head. This made me scared.

Why did shaving my head scare me?  Because I knew that shaving my head would make me look "ghetto." This isn't a word that I coined for the situation, it is a word that multiple people have described me as when I am "styled" in a certain way.  To me, shaving my head was an invitation for more prejudice thoughts towards me that would likely effect both my personal and professional life.  It's amazing to me how much I had to wonder if my hairstyle would be career limiting.

So, I finally decided that I was going to have to shave it, the comb over simply wasn't fooling anyone. But here is the thing, just as I suspected, the reactions that I received was that I looked more ghetto and less professional.  And in all honesty, I do think it will effect my career in some way, which is a very unfortunate reality.

The second story is a story of earlier this summer when your mom and I were in Chicago for a friend's wedding.  Mom was spending time with a couple of her friends while I was busy doing groomsman duties.  In the past we haven't traditionally rented a car, but given everything we needed to do during the weekend, we thought it was best.  

Now, I don't have the greatest sense of direction, so when GPS was invented, it was a god-send.  That said, I rely on it so heavily that if I am without it, I have no clue where I am or how to get to another place.  So after one of the afternoon wedding activities that I was attending, I went to go pick up your mom from one of her friends. I was about ten minutes away from the friend's place when my phone died.  

I panicked.  I was driving through a residential neighborhood and had no idea where I was, which streets I needed to go down, or how I could figure this out.  I didn't even know the address that I was going to because the information was stored in the phone that was now out of batteries.  Luckily, I had a phone charger, so I just needed to find a place to charge it! Simple enough, right? It didn't feel that way to me.  

The biggest problem is that I knew the neighborhood I was in was over ninety percent white, which I of course am not.  In addition, I have the shaved head (I told you that this was a decision that would continue to come up) and I was dressed in "just" a t-shirt and jeans which might not hurt, but also doesn't help make a case that I am a non-threat.  This might not sound scary to you, but the thought of walking up to a house and asking to use power was terrifying.  Now, when I say scared, I mean scared for my physical well-being due to the possible reaction of my presence on someone's property including the possibility of the authorities being called on me simply for walking up to their house.  So instead of walking up to a shut door, I approached a couple who were doing yard work.  Just as I walked up, the man disappeared around the corner. 

This was just what I didn't want to have happen!  I purposely wanted both of them to see me come up so that there wouldn't be any kind of "surprise" reaction, but the lady had already spotted me and it wasn't like I could turn around at that point.  The lady ended up being nice and said I could use an outlet in their garage.  Right after I plugged my phone into the outlet, the guy appear, approached me in a borderline aggressive manner and asked what I was doing. Fortunately, his wife assured him it was okay and I made it through unscathed, I got about 10 minutes of charge and made it to mom.

So my point with the two stories? As much as I pray that society will change before you ever have to experience something like this, the reality is you are probably going enter a world that requires you to take some precautions that might not be necessary for some of your friends. I am not even saying the people in either one of the stories were racist, I am saying that because racism exists you need to take precautions.  Unfortunately that means that simple tasks such as approaching a strangers house or getting a haircut will require a different level of thought than some of your friends.

My last story isn't even my story, but it is a story that I read about this week involving a fourteen year old kid in Irving, Texas who "has a keen interest in robotics and engineering." This past weekend, he decided to create a clock "from a circuit board and a power supply wired to a digital display, all strapped inside a case with a tiger hologram on the front." Sounds pretty awesome right? Well, this child's name is Ahmed Mohammed and he is Muslim... and somehow that made this story much less awesome.  When he brought his creation to school, he had it confiscated, he was cuffed and accused of creating a bomb.  Let that sink in for a second.  He was cuffed in front of his entire school and accused of terrorism for creating a clock. 

Now, I don't know all the details about the story, but I do know that this should never be allowed to happen... and yet it did.  Can anyone say that this happened because of racism? Probably not unless the teachers come forward and express racism. But, do I think that race had to do with this? Absolutely.

I don't want to scare you too much on this subject, but I do need you to understand that things simply will not be the same as your non-minority friends.  Think of life as a series of metaphorical streets.  The majority of the time, the only precaution you are going to need to take is to look both ways and proceed with caution as you cross each street.  Here is the part that will be frustrating: you're non-minority friends don't need to look both ways -- they don't even need to have their eyes open! But if you don't, at some point you will get blindsided.

One thing I would beg is to never, ever not build your proverbial clock because of this, but I do want to tell you to be careful in certain situations and overly cautious in others. Because as much as I wish I could shield you from this aspect of our world, I know that eventually you will have your own story to tell regarding racism and I hope my story helps yours end with a "I made it through unscathed."